Being single as a Christian sucks

Let's stop pretending otherwise

I’ll say it again: being single as a Christian sucks.

I’m just calling it like it is. Many of us have longed for a deep, spiritual romance for most of our lives, so when you wait year after year to never find such a thing it just sucks more.We are told it shouldn't suck. That it's God's timing. That being single is a gift, but read the text: it's a rare gift. That passage is not meant to discourage people from following a path toward marriage when their hearts long for it.

Other things we hear: You aren’t ready. The person out there for you isn’t ready. But these narratives have worn themselves thin. They aren’t helpful.

It says in Proverbs passage 13:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick."

It's never been married, no kids. I've been in relationships but knew they weren't right for me. I definitely have a checkered past when it comes to dating and have done some things I regret. But I don't regret putting myself out there and giving it a real shot once or twice.

But after two decades of longing my heart feels like it’s dying a little most days. If you are reading this you probably feel the same. When did we decide that it was great to wait for our lives to be half over before we find romance?

There doesn’t seem to be a solution. Shouldn’t we just pray? I've been spending time every day begging God for this longing to be met. I don't think prayer should be set aside.

But I have also found that walking with God requires movement. Requires action. It's not enough to pray for warmth for your neighbor when you have an extra coat to give them, and likewise I don't think we should be praying for a partner without putting ourselves out there.

But how do you put yourself out there in 2025? Dating apps did kinda work for awhile, but don’t work at all now. Every Christian woman starts their profile, "I love Jesus and he's the most important thing to me." Well no shit, I just assumed that or you wouldn't be here. If it was as simple as loving Jesus none of us would be single.

I for one would love to talk to someone who has her own thoughts outside of what her church tells her to believe. Who needs more from God than praise band on Sundays and small groups. Who wrestles with God and will be honest with me about her pain. I want to connect with someone on a deeper level, but that’s hard when no one wants to be vulnerable, and the internet is the worst place to find vulnerability.

Apps are not the answer, and real world connections are always better, but where are we supposed to find them?

Singles groups are mostly clueless affairs that focus on placating messages rather than admitting that most of us are there hopeing to meet someone so that we never have to show up again. There should be nothing wrong with that!

Wouldn't it be better use of a singles group to start from the assumption that we all want a partner, and find ways to make space to get to know each other? Most successful marriages happen because both people were simply going on dates. Why are we so adverse to facilitate that?

I’m not great at organizing, but even speed dating, or maybe drawing a name out of a hat for a date would shake things up. Yes, these are silly, even cringy, but it’s better than all of us sitting at home wondering what we are doing wrong.

The point of this rant is to admit that so many of us are tired of trying so hard, of hoping for something that never seems to come, of feeling our lives slip away without ever feeling the intimacy we crave.

To quote the rest of Proverbs 13:2,

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But a longing fulfilled is a wellspring of life."

Jesus came so that we might have Life. This is not just life eternal, but life shining from our souls in these moments inhabiting a broken earth.

There’s an old Christian saying, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” If a spiritual romance between a woman and man adds to our alive-ness then shouldn’t we be pursuing that rather than trying to rationalize why it hasn't happened yet?

Marriage is less common than ever, intimacy is less common than ever, and never having been on a date is at unhealthy and unprecedented levels for our society.

We've got to change something. And like anything change starts with admitting the problem.

So let’s just admit it’s a problem that so many Christians are not finding romance, not falling in love, not getting married, not having families. That so many of us are living with broken hearts, and it’s Not Good.

The rest of society has the same problem, but as Christians we can do better than the rest of society.

I don't have a solution. I'm not an organizer. That need is better served by someone else.

The one thing I’ve been trying requires other people to try the same thing: just go on dates. Ask her out if you like her. Or maybe even if you're not sure. And say yes if he asks you and you're inclined towards him.

Or if you like a guy and he hasn't asked you don't wait, just ask him first. There's nothing wrong with that—to be honest I’m flattered when a woman asks me out.

Connecting might be hard for you. Maybe it will require more vulnerability than you are used to. In a post-COVID, social-media world there is no normalized version of dating or courtship, and people are more afraid of rejection than ever.

But at the end of the day it’s a tragedy that there are SO MANY people out there who are craving the same thing you are, that are posting their longing on TikTok and Reddit, but it’s futile when likes and reposts and stitches don’t turn into dates.

So let’s try something different. Let’s go on dates again. Like Mom and Dad did. Or even better: like Grandma and Grandpa did.

Romance is Good. Let’s treat it that way.

🏵